Parting with Love from Toxic Friendships

I have a friend, who I truly do believe cared about me. She was the first person I met after completey starting my life over, post divorce. I had a new job, moved to a new town, and left almost all my friends behind because marrying my high school sweetheart meant that the majority of my friends were also his friends and I needed a clean break. We quickly became best friends and were rarely apart. I became close friends with the people she introduced me to and they became family. In the beginning, things were blissful. But after I started settling into my new life and was making my own friends, things began to shift.

She would make statements like “I do more for you then them, you shouldn’t be spending as much time with them as me,” or “I was really upset when I saw your friend post an IG story of a bunch of people hanging out at your house and I wasn’t invited”. It felt icky.

The ‘them’ she was referring to were two of my very good friends. One who was going through a terrible divorce from a Schizophrenic husband and the other who was in the middle of an awful custody battle with her narcissistic, abusive ex. So no, at that moment, I was not their top priority, and that was ok! My relationships are not tit-for-tat and they certainly needed me to be there for them more than they were able to be there for me at that time, and I was fine with that. But it did make me start to question if our friendship was transactional.

The hangout she saw on IG was an amazing night with great friends and authentic conversation. I left the evening feeling so light, happy and energized. Something  I had not felt with her in a very long time. The next morning though, my high was crushed when I received her text. She had not been included because everyone was tired of her and her husband’s constant fighting. It ruined evenings and made events heavy and uncomfortable for everyone, so they had asked me not to invite them. And constantly trying to manage her emotions took me away from spending time with my other friends and had started to leave me drained and exhausted, so I had been happy to oblige.

These were major red flags and left me feeling uneasy. I wanted to step away, but she was my first friend in this new chapter of my life and she had been there for me. Out of loyalty, I felt too guilty to end the friendship, despite what my gut was telling me. 

It was an argument over soup that finally convinced me to establish my boundaries. I had just undergone another heart surgery and a mutual acquaintance wanted to bring me soup while I rested and healed. But my friend had decided that because she did not like this person-I should also dislike her, block her number and not let her bring me soup. When I told her that I was uncomfortable with that and would not be unkind to someone who has not wronged me in any way and just wanted to bring me soup after surgery, she decided this meant I betrayed her and was not willing to respect my boundaries. That was enough for me. I had just had heart surgery and her focus was still about her need for me to manage her emotions when my focus needed to be on healing. 

I gently told her that I thought we were on different paths and that we both had things to work on and reflections that needed to be made. I told her that I needed peace and that I love and care about her, but needed to do it from a distance for now. 

She did not take it well. She was angry and not ready to take any accountability or self reflect. She tried to turn our friends against me and told them they weren’t allowed to see me anymore. This backfired and revealed her truest self to everyone. They did not stop spending time with me, but did choose to distance themselves from her. Once I was no longer there manage her emotions and it fell to them, which made it more difficult for them to continue spending time with her.

It saddens me that she chose to react the way she did, but it did further validate my need for space from the friendship. It has given me so much peace and opened up wonderful opportunities. I feel lighter and happier. I am able to focus my time and energy on friendships that lift me up and fill my cup-friendships I may have lost or never discovered if I continued allowing her to isolate me from them. Events are better because I can be more present. And travel with our friends’ group has become a greatly anticipated annual trip. Over the years, we had gone on group trips, but they always featured more drama than fun. But now that our group has become smaller, our vacations are amazing. We just returned from the BEST trip to Mexico and we are already excitedly planning for next year’s destination.

Now when I think about soup, it also reminds me that I am proud of myself for standing my ground and valuing myself enough to do what was right for me. Setting boundaries is important and leads to a healthier, happier life. I am glad I let her bring me soup. It was Matzah ball and it was delicious.