Breastfeeding is a BITCH
Publicly, it’s praised as this beautiful, dreamy bond you’ll have with your little one. But at 3 am, the reality can feel like a nightmare. Intellectually and instinctually, most of us want to do it. We are told breastfeeding is natural and better for the baby, and therefore we should be able to do it.
But pregnancy daydreams don’t prepare us for the pain, frustration, and fear. Breastfeeding isn’t all roses; it often means dealing with a screaming baby, excruciatingly cracked nipples, midnight anxiety, painful engorgement, mastitis, sleep deprivation, the endless chore of pumping, and OMG…did you say teeth?! It can take an extreme physical and mental toll. Just attempting it makes you a saint. Society often glosses over this painful reality. Your frustration is completely valid. This post is for every mother whose nursing experience didn’t match her fantasy, and for anyone who wants to avoid being blindsided by the realities of the latch.
I fell for ‘the dream’. I was so excited about breastfeeding. I bought allll the things. The pumps, the bras, the fun tops, the nursing covers. I was ready! The second she made her entrance into the world and let out her first cry, my boobs immediately started leaking. I thought that was the most incredible thing. Your body just knows what your baby needs and can provide that for her. Your breast milk can even change its composition when baby is sick through a shared immune response to protect her-How unbelievably cool is it that?! I was psyched. I was so ready to feed baby girl for the first year of her life.
And then…she latched. Baby girl had an extremely strong latch. She sucked my nipples so hard that I was bruising, bleeding and blistering within hours of her feeding. But I was determined to keep going-this is what my body was designed for afterall, right?! At least that’s what social media says. My nipples were killing me and I experienced embarrassing leaking in public, but I kept pushing. The first few weeks I had managed to make it through with just nursing and Mila was hitting her weight milestones. But then it got harder. She wasn’t getting enough from nursing alone and I needed to start pumping to increase my supply. I was MISERABLE. I felt like a cow. My nipples were in so much pain and if they weren’t in her mouth, they were in a pump. Even with the pump, I wasn’t producing a lot. I felt like a failure and I was exhausted. Whoever came up with the saying “Don’t cry over spilled milk”-never spilled breastmilk. That shit is liquid gold! Every drop counts. Spilling it is DEFINITELY worth crying over. I will never forget the night that I went to pour what I had just spent all my energy pumping into a bottle that Neal had just washed and put on the counter. I was so sleep deprived that I didn’t realize he had unscrewed the bottom of the bottle to wash and dry it separately. I poured my breastmilk right through the bottle and all over the counter. I was devastated. Through sobs I told Neal I couldn’t do it anymore and needed to go to bed. We started supplementing with formula. I felt so guilty. I had failed. I couldn’t provide my baby with what she needed. But Neal reminded me that a fed baby is a happy baby, no matter the source and that it was more important for her to have a healthy, happy parent than having breastmilk. I am incredibly lucky to have such a supportive partner and I knew he was right. I think it also made him happy to be able to play a more active role in her feedings. The intense pressure to breastfeed at all costs often makes moms forget that today’s infant formula is a highly regulated, nutritionally complete miracle of modern science. Whether your baby is fed via nursing, exclusive pumping, formula, or a combination of both, they are getting exactly what they need to thrive, and the source does not make you any less of an amazing mom.
I know the above statement is true. But despite knowing this, I still felt guilty. They ingrain that ‘Breast is Best’ shit deep. I still kept nursing and pumping alongside supplementing and it still made me miserable. Ultimately, when we found out I was in heart failure, I had to stop breastfeeding because of the heart medications they put me on when Mila was 8 months old. It was bittersweet. In a way, I was almost happy to feel like I had a ‘valid’ reason to stop, even though I know any reason is a good reason and formula feeding does not make you less of a mom. But mom guilt is REAL. I didn’t even get a chance to wear my fancy tops and bras yet that I had spent an unreasonable amount of money on-they still have the tags on them!
Even though it was extremely difficult, I will always cherish the time I did get to have the bonding experience of breastfeeding with Mila. But I would be lying if I said there wasn’t a freedom and lightness that came from stopping.
Why It Feels So Brutal
- Physical Pain: Poor latches cause severe nipple damage, while clogged ducts and mastitis can cause flu-like body aches.
- The 24/7 Burden: Newborns nurse every 2 to 3 hours, leaving the nursing mom entirely trapped by the feeding schedule.
- Pumping Hassles: Washing parts, tracking ounces, and responding to timers can make you feel like a machine.
- D-MER and Rage: Some parents experience Dysmorphic Milk Ejection Reflex (D-MER) or breastfeeding rage, which triggers sudden feelings of anger, sadness, or anxiety right as milk lets down.
Tips & Purchases that Helped Me Survive
- Get Expert Help: A certified lactation consultant (IBCLC) can check for lip/tongue ties and correct a painful latch. I loved mine. She was kind, gentle and patient. And more often than not, your insurance covers a few sessions with a specialist.
- Protect Your Skin: Apply medical-grade lanolin or silver nursing cups to soothe and heal cracked skin. I also really loved Boobie Pump to the Max Breast Pump & Nipple Comfort Spray
- Hold up the Girls: There are tons of nursing bras available. I think I bought them all. They range from $20-$100+. But my absolute favorites were the: Everyday Luxe Nursing & Hands-Free Pumping Bra and the Larken Hands Free Nursing & Pumping Bra. They are so comfortable that I STILL wear them.
- Cover the Girls: I had the embarrassing experience of completely leaking through my bra and shirt in public with nothing to cover myself or change into. After that, I never left the house without a few of these: Bamboobies Ultra-Soft Velour Nursing Pads – Reusable, Washable & Leak-Proof. I did not like the disposable kinds nearly as much.
- Heat Em’ & Jiggle Em: LaVie 2-in-1 Warming Lactation Massager, 2 Pack, Heat and Vibration, Pumping and Breastfeeding Essential, for Clogged Ducts, Improved Milk Flow, Mastitis These are great. They help with faster let down and increased flow and they feel good. They give your girls a little heated massage break for a minute that help take your mind off your aching, cracked nipples.
- Soothe Them: Ameda ComfortGel HydroGel Nursing Pads | Cooling | Reusable. These are pricey but they work. Frida Mom Nursing Pads, Cooling Hydrogel Nipple Pads for Hydration and Soothing Sore Nipples I think these are even better and the soothing effect lasts longer, but they are not reusable.
- Switch up Your Method: When I wasn’t producing enough with my electric pumps, I switched to my Manual Hand Breast Pump. It let me feel more in control, I could give her the bottle directly with a nipple attachment and it was a quick way to help with letdown.
- Build Your Confidence: Sometimes I like pumping more than breast feeding because I was able to know exactly how much milk she was getting. With breastfeeding, it was harder to tell and I was always worried she wasn’t getting enough. The Munchkin Flow Nipple Shield with Visible Milk Flow Channel and Latch Support was amazing. I could actually see the milk flow and know she was getting enough milk.
- Set Up a Station: Keep a massive water bottle, phone charger, and snacks permanently at your nursing spot. My favorite snacks were the Lactation Chocolate Salted Caramel Cookie Bites. Tbh, I do not think they really helped to increase my milk supply and they are extremely expensive for what they are. You can definitely make them for less money, but these were yummy & convenient! (See my boobie cart below)
- Outsource Everything Else: Let your partner or support system handle diaper changes, burping, and house chores so you can rest.
Here I am with Mila using the Munchkin Visible Flow Milk Shield.
Sometimes I would doubt my supply and worry that Mila wasn't getting enough to eat. So much so that I'd pump instead, even though I hated it-just so I knew exactly how much she was getting. This nipple shield made me feel SO much better! Seeing the flow showed me she was getting milk and made me confident in nursing again. I just love her sweet little nursing noises!
It's Ok to Pivot
Your mental and physical health matter just as much as how the baby is fed. If breastfeeding is destroying your well-being, transitioning to exclusive pumping, combo-feeding with formula, or switching entirely to formula are all perfectly healthy ways to feed your baby and it does not make you any less of a mother.
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