Toxic Positivity: What It Is & What to Do About It
Toxic positivity dismisses hard emotions and forces false optimism. It invalidates genuine experiences and makes people feel unheard, alone and hurt more.
When you go through something hard that others don’t understand, they only want to see you display positive emotions to avoid having to feel their own discomfort. They’ll say things like “just stay positive”, “it could be worse”, “be grateful for what you have”. They think this reaction is harmless, or even helpful. But in reality, these responses hurt and keep you silenced.
After a completely life altering change when a supposedly very straight forward heart ablation went wrong and I suddenly became pacemaker dependent at 34, I experienced A LOT of this.
I was confused and frustrated and hurting. I had just gone through the scariest and most devastating thing I had ever experienced. My life would never be the same again and instead of being met with understanding, I was just told again and again to “stay positive” and ”be grateful”. But WHY?! Why did I need to pretend to not have any feelings about this or be told to be grateful from people who would never have to experience what I was going through?
I couldn’t understand why people would make me feel like I shouldn’t be emotional or anything less than bubbly and happy, until I realized it was about them and not me. People do not like to feel uncomfortable. So instead of sitting with you in your discomfort like you need them to, they brush it off instead.
Once I understood what was happening, I learned how to process and address it and it made things so much better. I began to stand up for myself. I focused on validation, established clear boundaries, and let myself feel instead of suppress my emotions.
You are allowed to have feelings. If your pain makes others uncomfortable, so be it. Their discomfort is not on you to fix. Your job is not to make them feel better about YOUR pain. Your job is to heal.
How to Stop Toxic Positivity if You are the Victim
If you are going through something hard and experiencing people directing toxic positivity at you, protect your peace and assert your needs:
- Set clear boundaries: Let them know exactly what kind of support you need. Say, “I’m not looking for advice or a silver lining right now; I just need you to listen.” Gently remind them that you are allowed to be upset about upsetting things. Feeling and processing your feelings is both normal and healthy.
- Recognize their limitations: Remind yourself that their response is a reflection of their own discomfort or inability to handle heavy emotions, not a reflection of your worth. And if needed, distance yourself from conversations about this particular part of your life with them, or take a step back from that relationship altogether if they just can’t help themselves and continuing the relationship has become to difficult.
- Give yourself permission to feel: You do not have to mask your true feelings. Accept that it is completely normal to grieve, be angry, or feel sad without needing to rush the healing process.
- Find your people: You don’t have to go through it alone. There will be people you can talk to who will understand, listen without ‘helping’ fill you up and let you be completely yourself around them with all your feels. Stick with them. Open up. Grow through what you’re going through and let them help you heal.
How to Stop if You Realize you May be Guilty of it
If you realize that you may be guilty of this, think about it, and next time, just be there. Sit with them in their discomfort. Silently listen. Don’t try to fix it-you can’t. They are allowed to hurt. They just need someone to be there. Avoid silver linings or “fix-it” statements and try these alternatives:
- Instead of “Everything happens for a reason.” ➡️ Try “I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’m here for you.”
- Instead of “Just stay positive.” ➡️ Try “It makes complete sense that you’re upset.”
- Instead of “It could be worse.” ➡️ Try “Your feelings are valid, you have a right to feel this way.”
I think at one time or another, we have all been guilty of this. Unfortunately, it will probably take going through something truly difficult yourself to grow enough to have the emotional maturity to be the person someone in distress can come to. There are a lot of hard things about what I have had to endure over the past few years, but I am not ungrateful for them. They have made me who I am. Because of them, I have become a person who is more empathetic, gentle and can listen without ‘helping’. I am now comfortable sitting in someone else’s discomfort with them and just being there because I know more often than not, that IS the help they actually need.
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